PONDERINGS

Just got back from the rec
felt great to do some running for the third day in a row--yaya!
Good to see hang with Nick again last evening...
thought about going out tonight
too many responsibilities
hating being a grown up
paying bills
cleaning
working
*sigh*
So many things have flown in my face in the past week...
options
options are good
lots to think about.
BEST movie now is WE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE
perhaps it's my questions of the reality of monogomy that draw me to this and films like it (ClOSER)
I'm often trying to figure out human nature and how we work in relationships...
do they really last?
Do things truly die?
"This was just a moment in the woods...."
I don't know.
I guess that's my quest until I find my religion (referring to the Madonna song 'substitute for love')
What is it within ourselves that makes us have the need to be accepted and love in THAT WAY by someone...
though we are often on the pursuit of happiness with ourselves that's usually not fulfilling enough--
I think it can be...maybe that's where we're all getting fucked up.
Perhaps the point is to ride the train without asking where we're going
live the journey
live the questions
ENJOY it and someday we may know the answers...
I often wish I could be in a time where we had no worries like
pensions
401k's
student loan debt
credit cards
need for car
insurance, etc
I often think if I could I would be very easily a "hippie" in some sense...
have EVERYTHING I really needed in just one duffle bag...
travel everywhere
money wasn't a problem....I would stay somewhere for a few years...
work, have fun, and enjoy life...
then move on to another place
try new things
not be tied down to expectations of society...
I guess one could make this happen.
But unfortunately I'm in the generation where we have to think about those things
my God I HAVVVVVE to live with insurance...
if I can't go to the doctor everytime my nose runs I will flip out (seriously)
because I'm so used to it...
God forbid giving up a car...me actually have to degrade myself to WALKING everywhere??!?
Of course being in a bigger city this wouldn't be a problem.
SECURITY...what the fuck is security anyways?!??
Does anyone REALLY have security? NO!
Things could be gone in a flash...but we have false security...
I just wanna live to live
enjoy life
create art
not stress
*sigh*
I'm rather philisophicalish tonight and also a bit on the crazy side...
trying to figure out the meaning of life lately.
perhaps I should have studied Philosophy or something...
Oh well...shower and then long phone conversation and then bed for me.
Working on Europe stuff when I can this week...
praying sarah will go.
Hoping I can end up in Italy before that and spend the entire summer in Europe...
perhaps I can meet a Maurizio.
And so...goodnight.
XOXOOXO
Justin

It's all over

The opera has been over...
art song is over...
damn it's hard to believe I actually have a little more time.
I slept A LOT yesterday!
My apartment has become condusive to long naps and movie watching on my futon.
I will hopefully see a lot of the rec this week...
I'm letting out a big sigh this morning.
XOXO
Justin

whew what a day...
glad the competition is over.
It went extremely well--better than I had actually anticipated.
The first round felt so easy and was actually just very enjoyable. The acoustical sound in that hall was better than I had ever remembered it being.
I didn't really expect to get into the finals because I was competing against so many wonderful fellow graduate students---and surprisingly I was one of four to make it into the finals, which was an honor in itself.
The final round went very well...I wasn't real pleased about beginning the graduate round...I hadn't planned on that and so when I foudn out I quickly changed my beginning song to something I NEVER KNEW, which a piece I definitely wanted to get out there and do. The Bellini piece went ok, it wasn't the best it had ever been...the Duparc went very well....although it is literally like singing a major Wagnerian aria because of the extensive range and vocal demand set against the fiercest accompaniment.
A baritone is NEVER going to beat a woman in a competition, particularly the soprano--which is why I was very happy that Joan placed first and Courtney placed second. Though dissapointed that Kate and I took third I am still honored that we placed and were able to get some $$$ out of the deal---very much an honor. I also now have an offter to go to Italy this summer...the judges were very complimentary of my work and my artistry and asked if I would be interested in going---so this is something I will be looking into, as it falls in line right before my Germany program that I'm already doing. I would LOVE to do it--and it would be an oppportunity to definitely learn Italian and do some great singing that falls in the bel canto line-which are the principles both my previous and current teacher teach. So we'll see.
I wish I could have heard everyone today---but it's extremely hard to be competitive with your own peers--with those friends whom you share classes and experiences with...I never want to be in that state of mind with those people that I care about. So my energy just had to be spent focusing in on what I was doing---but Kudos to everyone who got up there and sang--I know everyone kicked ass!!!!
I've kicked back with my pianist tonight and now I'm heading to bed.
XOXOXOOXO
Justin

So yeah what a weekend and week...haha
Last weekend was much fun--lots of much needed relaxation.
This week has proven to be insanely stressful unfortunately!
On top of it being extremely busy at work I coached and rehearsed way too much this week probably...
I sang for a total of 3 hours yesterday and by the end my voice was definitely wasted...sad to say but very true. I'm not used to singing at that great of a length. The past couple of days the art song rep has been going really well. Today it was off because I was so bloody tired, but it always ends up coming together somehow.
I sang in studio seminar on Tuesday--It was TERRIBLE! I truly haven't had a sing so bad in front of your peers experience like that in a long time. Of course people are nice and always say it wasn't as bad as I think--but I'm generally a good judge of myself enough to say that it sucked ass. I was incredibly tense for some reason...which in turn I ended up manipulating my sound WAY too much--which was frustrating me even more because I was making myself tired by doing that-rather than engaging support.
Let me talk about support for a moment...
everyone seems to have their own ideas about it, etc........my support system is often wacked out I'm finding. I'm finding my technical imperfections rather annoying and have decided that after art song I'm putting away all of my music, taking an incomplete for the semester in voice (so I won't have to do rep for a jury) and I'm GOING to FIGURE this shit out and start fresh. It's really annoying me that there always seems to be something getting in the way of good old fashioned vocalizing. It's like I have to prioritize my own practice time and often put the vocalizing to the side because of repertoire demands--and then try to fit the technical stuff into the repertoire all at one. I need to get the instrument going. This is the problem these days I believe with trying to be a singer in this fast paced, get your degree in 2 years type world we live in. Everyone is like on a time clock...like OH MY GOD IF I'M NOT MAKING MY MET DEBUT IN 12 YEARS THEN SOMETHING IS WRONG! NO....what happened to the good old days of people taking their time to FIND their voice, to let go of the shit that holds them back, and let their voices mature naturally with age? Christ you would spend 2 or 3 years just vocalizing before your teacher even gave you a song, and when they gave you a song it was some real simple little Italian thing that now we give our high school students who can barely hold a pitch for 2 seconds. Perhpas it's my angst with our society--but it's rather depressing sometimes to look at the reality of it all. I genuinelly came from having NOTHING a voice to being where I'm at today--which is great....but there is always SOOO much work to do and never seemingly enough time. I long for the day when I simply just vocalize to warm up and maybe feel a few things...open up a score...and just sing and all I have to do is think about the character and a few phrases here and there. Of course male voices take longer to mature--well damnit! haha But I'm beginning to make myself angry when I catch myself wanting to rush things....so my new resolution is to come to piece with myself about all of this and just take my own time.
Art Song is Saturday...it's always an experience getting out their and sharing your collaboration with people who may or may not understand the connection. I have no hopes or visions of winning, placing, or even making it to finals of course it would be lovely-but the truth is you NEVER know what people hear they may like it and they may not. It's all so subjective...the best thing I can do is go out there with the attitude of not tryign to prove anything and just share the collaboration Kate and I have done. Finite....
With that said I'm off to continue studying texts and doing Doc Ellison stuff with my songs.
HAVE a good weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOOOXOXO
Justin

Awesome weekend!!!!
I'm off to bed...
hopefully dreaming.
I know I'll get an exciting call from Sarah tomorrow and that will make me thrilled beyond words!
XOXO
Justin

happoy st. pattys day...
I'm so drunk right now it's no teven funnyt
I love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXOOXooOXOOOOXOXO
Justin

I dread getting up early...haha
The past couple of days have been great---
busy but great.
Lots of practicing..and I love the fact that I'm in BG now and I can just go to the music building whenever I want.
My apt. is finally together....yay!
I'm still crossing my fingers to hear from Sarah about New York and such...
this could prove to be veeeerrrrrrry exciting!!!!!!!!!!
Back to work...besides training the newbies...there shoudl be some time to day to get some major things done whilst here...
1) Type up letters for summer...
2) Make passport appointment
3) Finish duo rep. midterm
4) nail the rhythms on the duke and brahms
XOOOOOOOOXXXXX
Justin

I have a car!!!!
Well it's not in my possession yet...I'm hoping it will be after this afternoon but I may not be able to get it until early next week...but I have a car! yay and it's nice!
:)

It's Friday-I can't believe how fast this week went.
I think I'm about to purchase a car--one of the biggest purchases I've ever made--YIKES!
My parents are coming up this evening to bring me a few things from home.

My phone died last night and it took me a half an hour to find my damn charger.
Sarah and I have our concerts in the planning stages...I think we have set dates and a good idea of what's going to be happening...
Shortly after my phone was plugged back in I realized I had 3 messages....and as soon as I was listening to Sarah's I got a call from Hunter....this call ended up lasting about 2 hours. hmmmm

Ok...I should have a car Saturday.
XO
Justin

1.. initials: JMR
2. name someone with the same birthday as you: Christie Brinkley
3. where was your first kiss?: on the playground at Duncan Falls Junior High.
4. for or against same sex marriages?: Totally for, as long as there can be gay divorces.
5. are you homophobic?: absolutely not!
6. are you bisexual?: Some think so...
7. do you believe in God?: Everyday
8. how many US states have you been to?: At least 29
9. how many of the US states have you lived in?:1 :-(
10. have you ever lived outside the US?: No
11. name something you like physically about yourself: my eyes
12. name something non physical you like about yourself: My ability to have strong empathy.
13. where did you go to college?: BGSU
14. what is your dream car?: I like my new car.
15. if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?: Italy or Greece
16. have you ever had someone of the opposite sex over at your house while your parents were gone?: Of course.
17. how many concerts have you gone to?: Lots!
18. do you download music?: Often
19. how many illegal things have you done?: too many probably
20. where would you want to go on a first date?: Always dinner...but a fun and exciting activity like going to a pro-sports game, going skiing (water or snow).....something fun and creative. :)
21. describe your perfect date: Perfect would be a long random trip to the beach...spending all day on the water drinking, eating, just having fun---and then the night would be open for some long walks, a nice dinner, and then more fun. :)
23. ever been kissed under fireworks?: Yes
24. do you like president bush?: not really.
25. have you ever bungee jumped?: No! But I totally would love to!
26. have you ever white- water rafted?: No, but I would love to.
27. have you ever crashed a car?: Unfortunately yes.
28. has anyone more than 10 years older than you hit on you?: Yes
29. have you met a real redneck?: Oh yes...come visit my hometown sometimes
30. are you interested in anyone right now?: my options are always open
31. what song are you listening to right now?: Nothing...
32. what is your current favorite song?: Right now I still love "Luckiest" by Ben Folds and also "Better Together" by Jack Johnson---they describe a lot of how I feel and what I want.
33. what was the last movie you watched?: Peggy Sue Got Married
34. who was the last person you said you loved?: My mother
35. where was the last place you went besides your house?: Work
36. have you ever seriously vandalized someone elses property?: No.
37. have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?: no.
38. have you ever sang in front of a large number of people?: yes...haha
39. whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex/same sex if your gay?: Personality & eyes
40. what really turns you on?: Intelligence, primarily that moment when you look into the eyes of that person you know across a crowded room and you make that small-but strong connection.
41. what do you usually order from starbucks?: Venti chai
42. what is your biggest mistake?: not being honest with myself at times
43. have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?: No.
44. say something totally random about you: I hate getting up early.
45. do you have an i-pod?: Yes.
46. has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity: Long time ago.
47. do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?: no.
48. do you have braces?: no
49. are you comfortable with your height?: yes
51. when do you know its love?: When you realize that you would stay up all night with someone if they needed to talk, cry, laugh, or were sick. When you see the best and the worst in each other and you realize there is no judging--just simple understanding. And I think also when you lay in bed at night and realize when you are sleeping alone.
52. do you speak any other languages besides English?: mmm little bit of this and that.
53. have you ever been to a tanning salon?: yes
54. what magazines do you read?: Classical singer, and Details.
55. Are these surveys stupid?: Sometimes...but I still like them
56. do you have a hidden talent?: not really.
57. have you gone farther than kissing?: Yes
58. have you ever ridden in a limo?: Yes
59. has anyone you were really close with passed away?: Yes.
60. do you watch mtv?: no.
61. whats something that really annoys you?: People who assume that know you and your decisions better than yourself.
62. whats something you really like?: The beach, theatre, opera, and Kathleen Turner
63. do you like michael Jackson?: mmmm I don't give a shit.
64. can you dance?: haha When I drink it can be fun.
65. have you ever surfed?: No but would love to.
66. do you know how to pump gas?: Yes
67. do you drive?: yes
68. whats the latest you have ever stayed up?: Maybe 24 hour straight
69. have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?: Yes.
70. were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?: no.
71. have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do?: Everyone has!
72. did you do it?: Yes.
73. do you actually read these when other people fill them out?: For the most part, yes

Today=SHIT

So yeah...this morning couldn't have been worse...
I leave my building around 7:45 to get to work at 8. The sun if SO fucking bright that I pull into a spot and look for my sunglass (which I just purchased upon the advice of a friend)...
couldn't find them of course...
so I'm like...well I'll be ok...
I pull out almost onto the main road and all of the sudden my airbags go off...
crazy...so I knew I had to have hit something or someone hit me
I get out of my car with all this white powder shit just flying everywhere
and I'm thankful that I didn't hit anyone or visa versa...
well anyways to make a very long and depressing story short---
my car is screwed. The amount of money it will cost to repair the damage will pretty much be a new car...
my car isn't very old and luckily I don't make any car payments on it.
So I've decided to get a new car-not an easy task!
My dear Heather took me today and I really liked one car in particular...
so we'll see what happens tomorrow...
but a friend is actually selling something that I like very much--
so here's hoping to a new car VERY SOON!!!!!

I'm all moved out of my Findlay apt.
I'm sure there are some things I forgot. I really can't believe how much stuff I have.
So...........
ya know how they say things happen in threes? I think they happen in dozens! haha So far since break has begun the following has happened....
1) I moved into a new apt
2) My dad and step mother are in the process of making a very important career decision--that is about to happen.
3) I total my car up causing me to have to get a new car
4) I have an hour conversation with San Diego which is incredibly interesting.
5) San Diego is visiting me.
6) I cooked for the first time in quite a while--and it was damn good! :-)

XOOOOOOXOXOXOOX
Justin

"Move on..."

Yes I made the decision to move-
and I did...well I'm in the process right now.
My decision was based on very personal reasons...
reasons of my own accord...
I made a strong choice and I am following through with what I feel is best.
Supposedly many people are interested, curious, concerned or whatever about all of my life and personal "changes..."
I'm saying one thing...
IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
I have made some great self discoveries in the past few months--something we all do and they have been wonderful.
Anyways...I'm happy to be back in BG...
the convenience of being here is great!
I had an awesome voice lesson on Friday which I definitely needed...Kate and I rehearsed our asses off too---I'm so happy and feel lucky to be working with her.
Friday night was a great night...dinner at Biaggio's and then I met a special friend at Sam B's for drinks...and then had a great movie date later that night--although I don't think much of the movie was watched. haha
I went home Sat....
I must say my parents are the most amazing people in the world--
they took me shopping for stuff and are giving me some things that I just am thrilled about!
Sunday I met Lisa and her fam. for dinner at our favorite place-Adornettos. AHhhhh it was great!
I love her and her family so much---
it's such a nice connection with home and with some great memories.
Well tonight I plan on having all my stuff here in BG...if I have time I'd like to go to the rec---if not I will at least be practicing a lot this evening and this week.
XOXOXOOX
justin

Very crazy past couple of days...
need the break coming up
although I'm not sure how much of a break it will be now...
that's all I have to say.