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I can't believe it

I'm in shock to say the very least
two former colleagues and friends died in a plane crash early this morning...
I was extremely shocked to hear this terrible news
didn't know how to react.
Of course these weren't the friends you see every day
talk to every....but they were the friends who you knew were there....
whenever I would go to Bloomington I would see Chris
saw my first opera at the met with Chris this past fall...
it's such a wicked thing to find out.
Just had a brief conversation with him three nights ago.
I'm devistated by the fact that two people who were extremely talented promising artists are now physically gone.
This really brings the community of singers who I'm friends with together in a bizarre way.
I've spoken with friends in New York, Bloomington, and other places whom I haven't talked to in a while...
I continue to be in shock, and perhaps will be for a while.
I wish a peaceful journey for both of them...and for the other three who were killed on the plane as well.
Strange how all of this happens on the night my recital was supposed to be. I don't think I could have sang if I was supposed to.
Perhaps I will listen to something...music tells me what I need to know.
Love to everyone of my friends, peers, and people whom I see or connect with in some way.
Justin

Bottles of wine
lining up inside my apartment
enjoying a glass every night
why am I giving myself permission to do this?
guilty...
why do I feel guilty?
acid reflux perhaps? haha
damn I'm such a singer sometimes.
nice week of sleep
waking up tangled with other legs
body heat feels good in the morning
Comfortable
thought rarely crossed my mind
that I could feel that much peace.
Wrestling in my own head
my own thoughts.
fear
fear
fear.
Lesson yesterday
kicked my ass.
grrrrrrrr
good
bad
happy
involved
emotional
bleck!
Back to real life now.
Figuring out things for European summer.
Need to give up something before I go...
sad but true
hanging on to it for dear life....
addictions
*sigh*
XOXO
Justin

Well I'm a bit tired this morning..
busy week
fast week!
Figuring out Europe stuff
will be in Italy end of May until beginning of July now....
will be travelling to France briefly before going to Germany
in Germany until the 29th of July.
Wooosh!
Not much to say...
overwhelmed right now.
XOOXOO
justin

European summer

So I will be in Europe pretty much all summer now.
I'm psyched!
I just got final word that I will definitely be spending all of June in Italy....
and then I will be heading north to Germany for my summer program in Germany for July.
I can't wait...
I have mass preparation to begin after this weekend.
Primarily learning the three big bel canto arias I have to have down for Italy.
Wish me luck.
XOXOOXO
justin

I could have stayed in bed all day....
*sigh*

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street)
Muffins Fairview
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mother's
side, your favorite candy)
Larry Swedish Fish
3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three
or four letters of your last name)
J-RAND
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite animal, favorite color)
Dog Black
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Michael Newark
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name then last 3
letters of mother's maiden name and first 3 letters of your pet's name)
RanMoaMich
7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name
spelled backwards)
leahcimdaom
8. PORN STAR NAME: (middle name, street you grew up on)
Michael Wildwood (this would actually work)
9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automoblie you
drive)
The black focus

So this weekend was a fun alcoholic haze...
from rereading my blog I can't believe what things were going through my head. haha!
I'm still recovering from lack of sleep and feel like a good full 24 hours of sleep would be nice!
Monday night was interesting...
first night I've slept by myself in a while
I had a hard time getting to sleep.
Need to pull my shit together later this week
figure out jury and start practicing more.
A break always does me good. ;0)
off to finish a few things
back to work
voice lesson today
been drinking coffee
yikes
my folds my be brillo pads
XOXOOX
Justin

One of my favorite lines from FIRST WIVES CLUB
"then he just left one day for some-----preschooler."
Interesting
perhaps alcohol talking
everything revolving in this world
around sex
how complicated
fucked up
trust is dismayed these days
always getting bored it seems
Values of generations changing
open marriages
open marriages with children
open relationships
boundaries
I think we need them
in the end isn't love the most important thing?
why then does someone need to go off and screw the secretary?
human nature perhaps
horniness
boredom
can we then be allright with this situation?
not I
it disturbs me greatly
sex isn't a meaningless act
at least I don't believe so
perhaps I'm old fashioned
this disturbs me in many ways.
Lies
lies and more lies
go ahead and fuck the 0% body fat person
though he has an ugly face
hopefully it's good
I'm not open all night anymore
done
finite
ciao
adios
adieu...
principles are real to me
becoming clearer and clearer.
Part of my life I need to shut down for a while
need to make sense of myself
feelings
trust
committment
sincerity
honesty with myself
no compromise
every day
pieces fly away
don't understand
need to stick with the thing that works the most
thing I understand
thing I desire...
thing that is always there for me--
music
"music tells me what I need to know..."
"now I barely know what the meaning of no is..."

*sigh*
-J.