Monday Monday

I don't know how productive this weekend was for me! I was determined to get all of FLUTE memorized, didn't happen. Friday I came home and took a nap, which ended up being two hours instead of the hour I intended it to be. Later that night I did some laundry, studied the score, and then was on the phone for almost 5 hours with Hunter in San Diego. It was a really hard conversation, and we still have things to talk about for sure. I did say how I felt, however there wasn't a clear conclusion drawn at the end of the conversation. He says he may try to come see the opera, if not for sure the recital. He's singing Tamino right now in CA, which I found quite humorous. I do wish I could have physically been there to say these things--perhaps it would have made things easier or different in some way. I don't know... I just have so much on my mind right now....so much in my life is changing and it's very difficult for me to say the right things and make the right decisions often--I don't want to act on impulse, anger, or rage.
Saturday I was in BG all day copying music for Kate, practicing, and finalizing my Germany stuff--although I still need to get my passport!!!!
Sunday I had my church job and then went shopping in Toledo for a bit--spent way too much money-but it was definitely needed. I then went back home and slept for a while and then went off to BG to meet michael and then practice. Good times...there may be a Philly trip in the works---I gotta get my shit done. I've had no time to get a good workout in which is really pissing me off--though the scale is being kinder to me these days because I'm watching what I'm eating...I need that cardio and lifting to get what I want. Hopefully once FLUTE is completely memorized and I'm comfortable with everything (which WILL be after this week) I can get into a regular schedule because I won't be scrambling to the practice room after rehearsal and later in the evening to play "catch up." So my goal this week is to get the comfortability that I need so can put that workout in after rehearsal or something.
I'm dreading turning another year older on thursday...and unfortunately I probably wont get to go and drink because I have rehearsals all evening and then I'm sure will have rehearsal on Friday. I haven't had a drink since New Years eve now...WAYYYYYYY too long need one NOW!
Off to work...
XO
Justin

What I learned this week:

1. I'm better when I'm busy.
2. I LOVE what I do.
3. I highly enjoy the director.
4. It's definitely a task to get to work on time every morning.
5. I love Ben Folds' music
6. Angela Gheorgiu is seriously my favorite soprano right now, along with Kathleen Battle for the more lyrical side of things.
7. I'm saddened by turning one year older next Thursday.
8. Even more saddened to have to pay rent on the 1st. (BLECK)
9. Space is a good thing...you figure a lot of things out.
10. I would be about to die right now if not for Michael.
11. I could eat at Biaggi's every day.
12. Work is slowing down.

almost wiped out

I'm almost wiped out...
can't wait to sleep in this weekend.
It really has been a great week
in so many ways.
I can't stop listening to Ben Folds right now...
also some Jack Johnson.
This music seems to be speaking to me right now.
Did a hearing test for a friend last night with Michael...
haha fun times...
I definitely have selective hearing.
Overwhelmed by the opera..
it's so much fun
feels like I don't know ANYTHING we're going to be doing this week
that scares me a little bit.
This weekend I will be memorizing..
but I'm damn determined to have a relaxing weekend...
maybe I'll try to do something different this weekend
relaxing-yet fun.

Stealing

I'm totally stealing this from my friend Micha. Because it totally describes me right now. It should be a song.

"how is it that i can feel so utterly frustrated and at the same time positively yearn for the object of my frustration?? yes, yes, that is it. i am frustrated, but yearning for the object of my frustration. and here i thought i wouldn't be able to put it into words. hm."

Tired...

Feels like the end of a long week.
Sat at rehearsal today
was called...
didn't sing one note
never really got out of my chair
except to talk to Andy
telling him my fun but gross observation.
Was a bit irritated that I just sat there...
although Jocelyn and I did get to run our dialogue in the hall--
most productive.
Met with the director after for about 20 minutes...
did some vocal stuff
awesome to get a totally different perspective-
very helpful session.
Michael and I went to Biaggi's for dinner
I looooooooooooooove that place
it was extremely yummy tonight
didn't eat much all day.
No time to work out...
need to find the time.
Feel like there's no time to memorize the stuff for this opera-
my brain can't hold much more before it explodes.
Slept extremely good last night with the probably 5 hours I got...
maybe it's the comfort of someone being there
never thought I'd be like that-usually am weird about that.
Stayed with Lisa on Thursday...
MUCH appreciated
didn't have to get up so early
was so glad to not have to drive back here after late rehearsal.
Anyways...going to bed...should study score more but I'm fried.
XOXOo
Justin

The Luckiest

Thanks Sarah for introducing me to this song!
Ben Folds' "The Luckiest"
"I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me hereAnd where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I knowThat I amI amI am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?And in a white sea of eyesI see one pair that I recognize
And I knowThat I amI amI am
The luckiestI love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed awayI'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you
that I know we belong
That I knowThat I amI amI am
The luckiest."

whew...

what a week...
amazing in many ways.
VERY busy
I'm learning this is good for me...
to not have too much of the wrong kind of "down time."
started FLUTE rehearsals this week
I think it's going to be fun.
MUCH work ahead of me
lots of memorization.
Great rehearsal today...
was working straight from 1:30-5:45 on it...WIPED OUT!
I think I sang the No. 7 duet with Kisma about 20 times today...a couple times with Maggie.
The damn trio we did about 500000 times, including blocking it at the end of the day.
Met Michael at our new spot...
dinner
home
Almost a two hour phone conversation with Sarah....
totally made my week talking to her.
I could only dream of the lyric job and living in Chicago--although the audition needs to happen.
First voice lesson today
went well
good things happening
not feeling connected to support since I've been sick--
I think my muscles have already lost their memory in that short time.
Seasons come
seasons go...
I'm learning who makes me want to be a better person, and who doesn't...
who inspires me, makes me laugh, makes me want to answer the phone, encourages me...
I'm learning so much about myself--something has changed in the past weeks that I love...
I want to hold on to it forever.
Access it whenever I need to--NO let it just BE a part of me.
More productive...
it's interesting and powerful.
I'm for sure going to Germany this summer....
this for sure makes me extremely happy!
Have a good weekend....
XOXOXO
Justin

"what does all this mean...
my thoughts keep turning back to you
I don't understand
is it fear?
what holds you back...
tears perhaps
tears I can wipe away.
Believe me.
Being next to you makes it easy to
breathe...
the smell of your skin
the smell of you waking...
I feel complete--yet restrained.
Carefree days together
smiling
laughing
sleeping
dreaming together.
Make it a reality...
this reality is causing me some pain-
pain I shouldn't be feeling
aches in my soul to be near you
yet I'm so afraid...
can we ever just let go
and give in to our fate? "

Another week

Feeling better
almost back to normal
THANK GOD!
Saw BROKEBACK MTN. this weekend
kind of a last minute thing
supposed to see with Jodie
Greg ended up coming down
we saw it.
Great movie
a bit slow
but very HOT I must say. :)
Starting back tomorrow.
Should be in bed
can't sleep.
late night visit...
much needed.
THANK YOU!
Worked a lot of FLUTE today
feel like I'm "SINGING" it too much
he's fun...
gotta get my own ass in shape
Vocally began work again today
slowly...
no low notes
lots of middle and high
finally low notes came in after about an hour
hopefully I moved things in the right way
back tomorrow stronger and better.
New habits changing and helping
relieve tension in the voice and body.
Now finding the need to committ to my body...
energy
light
God
my roots
my beliefs
my family
old friends
new friends.
Dinner tonight
awesome time. :)
Busy week...
work class
figuring out when I'm going to have my lesson
praying Kate can make SOME time
*sigh*
planning out recital music
learning the opera
figuring more things out
coffee with Adelle whose friendship and mind I've missed SO much!
lunch with Lisa
hopefully dinner with Renee who I've missed more than words can say.
few other things hopefully...
Hopefully lots of talks with Sarah-I miss her so much and I love our conversations.
Listening to a lot of great music.
Time for bed.
XOXOXO
justin

Snow

At last...
feeling quite a bit better
still have a swollen gland
little pain in throat
otherwise I'm feeling better
still staying in most of the weekend to just ensure that I recover
tried singing a bit today
it's there--just going to ease back into it lightly.
Studied all of Act I last night.
Zuppa Toscana is my favorite and luckily I have a TON of it...
always makes me feel better...
feeling very earthy today...
I'm listening to enya, jewel, jack johnson, and a few others
just really listenign to the lyrics.
I have my dear Sarah to thank for this. :)
I can't wait until I'm back 100% and can make a trip to Illinois.
Off to take a nap and drink more water.
XO
Justin

*sigh*

Finally a small change
I feel a little better.
I slept great last night-
woke up and felt like shit again
have been sleeping a lot today
just slept for four hours
pain in the throat is going away.
Hopefully I'll be be back and running on either Saturday or Sunday.
For now I'm making myself
sit with the score of FLUTE
study and memorize.
Have missed my nightly conversations with my angel under cover in Illinois...
hopefully we'll catch each other tonight.
Being sick like this has made me do a lot of thinking-
major changes are ahead kids.
hold on for the ride.
XOO
Justin

ugghhh

Today-
a little better
not much but can feel that I'm starting to get back to normal.
Been steaming a lot
SO MUCH gross stuff coming out my nose
throat still swollen
making myself vocal rest for next couple of days
layed around and slept off and on
rented an great French film on the digital cable
called NOVO
I really enjoyed it...
it was VERY FRENCH, and for some reason I'm drawn to that sensibility....
who knows. I love their lips when they talk.
Dated a french guy couple years ago
made him speak french to me (oh boy is that a turn on!)
helped me with my songs...
too bad it didn't last--didn't understand what I wanted to do with my life
planned way too far ahead.
oh well. brief trip down memory lane.
This medicine makes my mind wander everywhere...
memorizing Papageno-trying to focus at least.
I have to recheck but I think coaching for act I finale Friday
if I'm not up for that that will mean I've missed the act I. musical rehearsals!
ARGRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!
well I'm off to bed...hopefully I'll be back and running very soon.
THANK GOD it's a long weekend!!!

someone please shoot me now!

ok so if you read my blog you know I haven't been feeling well lately
it's been an on and off thing.
Today it hit its climax. I woke up with my throat as sore as the day I had my tonsils out. I was tired and had a headache. I decided enough was enough and that I needed to see someone at the health center. First off I don't see the doctor I want to see because I'm kind of a last minute appointment. I go in tell her everything and she decides to do a strep test and a mono test. OK fine...strep test negative....mono test was negative but she was concerned because of another set of numbers they look at for mono and she said mine were elevated and that it is highly possible I'm in the early stages of mono but that I just needed to take advil, a decongestant, and rest for the next three days. OK I wasn't happy about this because I knew I needed medicine..and MONO?!?!?? YIKES!!! Of course EVERYTHING runs through my head and I start freaking out. Anyways...
I go home and I barely remember driving home first of all. I then go to Kroger to get some juice, water, and a ton of gaterade and stuff to make me feel better. I almost pass out in Kroger-so bad to the point that someone asked me if I was ok. I was freezing cold and had my winter coat bundled around me the entire time. My energy level just went way down while I was in there and I felt my heart racing. I went home and decided I needed to go to the emergency room because SOMETHING wasn't right. My roomate takes me to the ER here in Findlay and I'm in there for a while....anyways...long story short...
The doc. in the ER said that if the mono test was negative then I don't have mono
that with all of my symptoms and pressure I was having in my head and the aching
that she believed I had a sever sinus infection. Ok....so relief. She gives me a massive shot in my ass (my ass still hurts) to take all the pain away that is going on EVERYWHERE in my body. I get a massive dose of antibiotic (THANK GOD SOMEONE GIVES MEDICINE) and some pills to prevent coughing (good since I'm a singer). So anyways....now I'm home I'm numb throughout my body because of the shot-it is quite nice. I'm pumping fluids and doing nothing but resting. This COULD NoT COME at a worse time!!!! We started opera rhearsals this week(musical coachings) and of course I missed my favorite one today which was the no. 5 quintet. I hope Andy got a chance to do it...he may get quite a bit of time this week to sing Papageno because according to the doctor's orders I am not to do anything for three days. I absolutely have no voice right now because my throat is swollen-so there's no way I can sing. IF these drugs kick in and we have rehearsals friday and I'm feeling better I will try my best to get back . I guess it's better this is happening now rather than like tech. week or something.
So anwyays...send good vibes my way if you read this....
XOXO
Justin

Fun

Quick blog
fun at work today
I seriously love everyone I work with
95% of them understand that I'm a singer
they are all artistic and have done performing
Went out with a bunch of them
SO MUCH FUN...
probably pushed myself too far
after feeling like ass.
I now have a new favorite lesbian friend in my life
I can't wait to bond more and go to D.C. in June!
Off to bed...
XOXO
Justin

Feeling like shit...searching time

Yesterday
felt great
is it because I got to sleep in?
Sang really well
not much left of whatever I've been fighting
this morning
up early for work
feel better than Tuesday but worse than yesterday
damn weather
drainage
I have no tonsils anymore
throat shouldn't hurt
feel better now
hoping a lot of sleep will move this out
thanks brittany for the dolls
helps my head tonight.
Need to do a lot of searching
a lot of thinking
feeling lost and in a strange place with myself
nice to know I'm not alone
Amazing conversation last night with Sarah
came to work with lyrics that hit the spot for me
thanks Sarah
3:00 my mind sent vibes to the audition room.
Are you a plan A or plan B singer?
GREAT article
made me think
depressed that I feel too blah to sing today
yesterday was a great vocal day
Papageno feels like butter on my cords
especially after some of the rep. from last semester
still feeling like I'm going to walk in to rehearsals and not know anything...
I better be feeling better tomorrow so I can work out these ensemble numbers
what I'm worried about the most.
Michael visited again yesterday
so nice to see him
glad he has things worked out
I would miss him like crazy otherwise.
Dinner with Greg tonight.
Haven't had time with him much lately
didn't realize how much I missed talking to him until tonight.
Had a drink hoping the alcohol would make up for the weather and what it's doing to me
Should go tanning to get some light therapy
just don't want to get wrinkly and end up with skin cancer.
Worked out my schedule for next semester...yikes
I really have to manage my time well
working a lot
need to save $$
lots of practicing to do.
Corrina, Corrina
great movie
makes me cry.
Love me some Whoopie.
Love when the little girl takes her dad's cigarettes and tosses them.
Turnign off the lights
turning on some music
going to meditate
figure some things out
go to bed
have to work for the workshop tomorrow...we're never open on the weekends
chance to get a few extra hours--I certainly don't mind.
I'm sending love to my angels out there--you know who you are.
Goodnight.
XOXO
Justin

Song of the week #2

Song of the week #2---Thanks Sarah! :)

from "Near you Always"
...please don't say I love you,
Those words touch me much too deeplyand they make my core tremble
I don't think you realize the power you have over me.
and please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always...
...please don't kiss me so sweet it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
and please don't touch me like that makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
please don't look at me like that it just makes me want to make you near me always...
please don't send me flowers they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
and when you look into my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands it's nothing like that I understand,
but when in your arms you have complete power over me
so be gentle if you please
'cause your hands are in my hair,
but my heart is in your teeth
and it makes me want to make you near me always...

Song of the week

Angel Standing
ByJewel(Pieces Of You)

All through the night I'll be standing over you
All through the night I'll be watching over you
And through bad dreams I'll be right there, baby
Holding your hand, telling you everything is all right
And when you cry I'll be right there
Telling you you were never anything less than beautiful
So don't you worryI'm your angel standing by

S.A.D.

Sara Nicholas-Price and myself diagnosed ourselves as having SAD
This weather sucks ass
I haven't seen the sun since Christmas
did yoga two nights ago
heated my room to a wapping 100 degrees
I do hot yoga p.s.
Anyways...
felt AMAZING
took shower
drank tons of water
hadn't done the bikram yoga for a while
moved toxins throughout my body
trying to get rid of them
woke up feeling TERRIBLE
feel better today but still kind of blah
headache
achy
drinking tons of water and taking massive vitamins to move this through
meantime taking it easy
MINERS TRAGEDY
so extremely sad
people trying to make a living
families now left empty
worked hard all their lives
probably not making much money
very sad.
I spoke through German today
Papageno has WAY TOO MUCH TEXT haha
I love him so much...
No. 5 Quintet is my favorite so far
Still not as prepared as I should be
no worries Andy-hopefully we can help each other
I feel very unprepared to begin
hopefully I shake this crap tonight
tomorrow and this weekend
getting back to work with him and memorizing.
Glad to be back
miss my family though...
wish break wasn't almost over.
Time to go to dinner and get ready to take down Christmas decorations----
Depressing!
Ciao
Justin

Happy New Year

2006
can't believe it's here
woke up after a long nap today
my favorite soprano, Angela Gheorgiu
performing my favorite aria
Chi il bel sogno from La Rondine
LOVE HER
made me very happy
she's beautiful
sound reminds me of my dear friend Sara Price-much the same timbre and quality
amazing actress and superb singer.
Came home new years eve
wanted to get away needed to fix something on car
in a funk right now
I know I pissed some people off
my choices are my own
Assuming things about me isn't good
no matter how well someone thinks they know me
it's one of my biggest pet peeves
because it feels like a judgment.
Dinner last evening with my parents
I love them so much
talked for hours
helped clarify a lot of things for me
felt much better and feel confident in a hopeful direction for next year.
Went to sister's house
she had small party
went home
Michael visiteid
fun talking and listening to music
only friend who I can be completely A.D.D. with
no plans...just off the wall
Lots of new years resolutions
wrote them out today
feel confident that I can achieve them
looking foward to digging into all of them
Going back to my apt. late tonight
want to sleep in my own bed
have lots of organizing and stuff to do tomorrow
need to pound Papageno to the grindstone this week...
work out
Happy new year
XO
Justin